Self worth in Friendships
I had mentioned in my previous post about how I am left feeling like my friends have moved on but I have stayed stagnant these days. As I have been realizing more and more I have been trying to make new friends as well. But given that I am old, I am probably also getting cynical, so I have not managed to make any lasting friendships yet, and by lasting I mean not even for 6 months. It is not because of lack of trying but because people have become un-attached and un-emotional in this digital age. People go home, turn on TV, eat and/or drink and sleep. They don't need anyone else and they don't even have any space left for another person.
I don't mean love in just romantic kind of love, but also general love and care for friends.
In the recent times, I have tried hard to make friends with one person. I had met the guy through a friend late last year during Thanksgiving time, for matrimonial purposes really. We had a good conversation, and I was hopeful it was going somewhere. But the first conversation didn't happen as planned and I had to nag him for a little while before he called. Same pattern repeated for second call and I realized he was not interested, so left it there. Again we just exchanged texts in Jan some time related to how it is tough to find wavelength match in the few minutes of phone conversation etc. After we texted on and off and he is also a saibaba devotee, so we kept texting on few topics and he seemed to respond and I thought we didn't have disagreement, but rather it was like "me too, me too" kind. So like they say, "birds of the same feather, flock together", I thought our thinking matched and we could at least be friends. Given that I don't have any friends left these days, I was grateful for finding someone with similar thought process. But I realized he was very distant, doesn't watch movies or TV except politics, does not read books or travel or hike or anything like that. He lives in his own shell and I felt like he doesn't even know how to talk to girls. He will respond right away sometimes but totally ignore other times for days etc. It didn't bother me as I was just thinking of him as a friend.
I made a trip to his city a month ago and I checked with him if he wanted to meet. He made up reasons to not meet and he didn't give a courtesy call. As soon as I landed, I was excited to be in a new place and I texted him. No response from him whatsoever. When I told him, this is not what I expected and that he treats me like nobody, he made it a reason to not meet me. Then I stopped asking him after that. But we still texted at least a few times during the trip but I never got to talk or meet the guy. After coming back, I kept thinking how weird it was for someone to be like that and I still was trying hard to message him and stay in touch with him I questioned myself, why. That next weekend, I had sent him a picture I took of some flowers and he totally ignored again. So joked with him saying, "normal people don't do this". He took offense to that and he totally got mad at me, and got rude with me. I had to explain, this is called joking. But he didn't get it. I kept checking with him that next day as I felt bad that I offended him. And after 2 days, he said very rudely that he is trying to forget but somehow I am reminding him of that bad experience. That made me realize, I was not even at fault. If he doesn't have sense of humor, and he doesn't understand even after I explained to him it was a joke, and he reacted that way. So I started explaining to him that I am putting in all the effort to even make friends with him for past 6 months and I am not getting anything back. Again he took an offense to that and said "What are you trying to prove? Its better to stop here and not make a mess while we still have respect left for each other". I felt that was the deepest offense, I could take from someone. So I just left a message saying, " I dont know how to respond to that. I am not trying to prove anything, only convey. No one wants mess or to lose their respect, that's for sure". I still remember word to word. After saying that, I have never messaged him again.
That made me reflect on myself. What is it that makes me so desperately in need of making friends. Earlier my take was, I need friends and I met one guy, so I really need to make good friends with him. Then I asked myself do I really need to, or do I want to? I want to, not need to. Do I really want to be friends with someone who does not value me or respect me? No, for sure. Even if I did, What will I get out of it? More depression? Yes. More depression, more insecurity, lack of confidence etc. etc. Do I need all that at this stage in life? No, Never. That's where I learnt my key lesson. People come and go in your life, but what is important is your self-worth, your self-respect. If they can't see that, they can't value you for what you are, then it is better that they are not in your life. Self love is very important and that I learnt from a guy who never understood love, care, concern.
I don't mean love in just romantic kind of love, but also general love and care for friends.
In the recent times, I have tried hard to make friends with one person. I had met the guy through a friend late last year during Thanksgiving time, for matrimonial purposes really. We had a good conversation, and I was hopeful it was going somewhere. But the first conversation didn't happen as planned and I had to nag him for a little while before he called. Same pattern repeated for second call and I realized he was not interested, so left it there. Again we just exchanged texts in Jan some time related to how it is tough to find wavelength match in the few minutes of phone conversation etc. After we texted on and off and he is also a saibaba devotee, so we kept texting on few topics and he seemed to respond and I thought we didn't have disagreement, but rather it was like "me too, me too" kind. So like they say, "birds of the same feather, flock together", I thought our thinking matched and we could at least be friends. Given that I don't have any friends left these days, I was grateful for finding someone with similar thought process. But I realized he was very distant, doesn't watch movies or TV except politics, does not read books or travel or hike or anything like that. He lives in his own shell and I felt like he doesn't even know how to talk to girls. He will respond right away sometimes but totally ignore other times for days etc. It didn't bother me as I was just thinking of him as a friend.
I made a trip to his city a month ago and I checked with him if he wanted to meet. He made up reasons to not meet and he didn't give a courtesy call. As soon as I landed, I was excited to be in a new place and I texted him. No response from him whatsoever. When I told him, this is not what I expected and that he treats me like nobody, he made it a reason to not meet me. Then I stopped asking him after that. But we still texted at least a few times during the trip but I never got to talk or meet the guy. After coming back, I kept thinking how weird it was for someone to be like that and I still was trying hard to message him and stay in touch with him I questioned myself, why. That next weekend, I had sent him a picture I took of some flowers and he totally ignored again. So joked with him saying, "normal people don't do this". He took offense to that and he totally got mad at me, and got rude with me. I had to explain, this is called joking. But he didn't get it. I kept checking with him that next day as I felt bad that I offended him. And after 2 days, he said very rudely that he is trying to forget but somehow I am reminding him of that bad experience. That made me realize, I was not even at fault. If he doesn't have sense of humor, and he doesn't understand even after I explained to him it was a joke, and he reacted that way. So I started explaining to him that I am putting in all the effort to even make friends with him for past 6 months and I am not getting anything back. Again he took an offense to that and said "What are you trying to prove? Its better to stop here and not make a mess while we still have respect left for each other". I felt that was the deepest offense, I could take from someone. So I just left a message saying, " I dont know how to respond to that. I am not trying to prove anything, only convey. No one wants mess or to lose their respect, that's for sure". I still remember word to word. After saying that, I have never messaged him again.
That made me reflect on myself. What is it that makes me so desperately in need of making friends. Earlier my take was, I need friends and I met one guy, so I really need to make good friends with him. Then I asked myself do I really need to, or do I want to? I want to, not need to. Do I really want to be friends with someone who does not value me or respect me? No, for sure. Even if I did, What will I get out of it? More depression? Yes. More depression, more insecurity, lack of confidence etc. etc. Do I need all that at this stage in life? No, Never. That's where I learnt my key lesson. People come and go in your life, but what is important is your self-worth, your self-respect. If they can't see that, they can't value you for what you are, then it is better that they are not in your life. Self love is very important and that I learnt from a guy who never understood love, care, concern.
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