Confessions of a wandering mind

Sometimes, the need for perfection can get you obsessed about things in life. Especially if you are brought up in a certain way where you are punished if you came second in class, and you cannot be anything but perfect. Perfection may not be bad but when you are chasing perfection, you may overwork yourself, get stressed, and lose sleep over things. Especially when you are working in a team and the team does not deliver to perfection, you may find yourself sleepless, and with a desperate need to fix things. It is important to let go of that need for perfection sometimes, let go of the need to do everything right, need to fix everything. It is hard, but once you do it, over time, it will get easier.

I was reading this article about existential crisis https://people.howstuffworks.com/what-does-it-really-mean-to-have-existential-crisis.htm To quote from the same article,  An existential crisis is different than anxiety over a really difficult decision ("Do I want to major in economics or musical theatre?") or even a case of major depression in which nothing seems to interest or motivate you. A true existential crisis, explains  Clay Routledge , a psychological researcher and professor at North Dakota State University, is having your worldview — the thing that gives your life meaning and structure — completely shattered. "Most people generally believe their lives have a purpose and a meaning," says Routledge. "An existential crisis is when that belief collapses." I think for me, it has been the belief system that has been imbibed in me, about the constant need for approval. I think it starts from childhood, from the upbringing. But you reach a ...

August has been a popular month for me. It was the month I came to US 17 yrs ago, it is the month, I chose to move to Seattle and join MS and it is alo the month, I changed teams this year. So seems like somehow my birthday month manages to bring new changes in my life. As this month wraps up, I had a few lessons I learnt, some realizations, that I thought I would jot down. First, I take myself too seriously and feel important. Think that I should matter to at least one person and that I should be important to people, if no one else to my family and friends. And if I dont get that, I just crash completely. This I saw it firsthand on my birthday when my parents didn't wish me and my friends didn't remember to wish me either. Of course, Facebook has plenty of people wishing because of reminders, but I feel they are out of habit that people wish. If someone really cares for you, they would pick up the phone and wish.  Yes, it is sad, but it should not have caused a breakdown lik...

This week, I participated in Hackathon for the first time in Microsoft. Though it's been happening for past few years now, for some reason or another, I prioritized work over that. But this year, I decided to participate in a Hack for Good project which means, we are coming up with technical solutions to solve some of the problems face by non-profits. So basically doing something new, different, fun and exciting all at the same time, along with doing good and challenging yourself while doing so. I had picked this project called Agaram foundation which funds college education for the under-privileged in India. It is based on Chennai and started by a celebrity called Surya. They had 4 components, and 4 sub-groups were assigned to solve each of those. Knowledge sharing/searching for resources in their knowledge database, discussion forums, scanning application forms of students, and video translation. Out of all of them, the video translation part seemed like it would involve some c...

I had mentioned in my previous post about how I am left feeling like my friends have moved on but I have stayed stagnant these days. As I have been realizing more and more I have been trying to make new friends as well. But given that I am old, I am probably also getting cynical, so I have not managed to make any lasting friendships yet, and by lasting I mean not even for 6 months. It is not because of lack of trying but because people have become un-attached and un-emotional in this digital age. People go home, turn on TV, eat and/or drink and sleep. They don't need anyone else and they don't even have any space left for another person. I don't mean love in just romantic kind of love, but also general love and care for friends. In the recent times, I have tried hard to make friends with one person. I had met the guy through a friend late last year during Thanksgiving time, for matrimonial purposes really. We had a good conversation, and I was hopeful it was going so...

I am one of those emotional beings who still believes in friendships and travels hundreds of miles to go meet my friends. I am basically a sucker for friendships, go out of my way to please my friends, apologize too much, and feel too attached to friends. This picture poster is probably an apt one for me. I never had too many friends and the limited number of friends I have, I treasure them. I really believed in the fact that my close friends truly will make time for me, and care for me. But lately I am realizing that my friends have moved on. Married friends have kids now and they are either busy with their kids or friends who are in a similar social strata that they can relate to, like friends with kids, friends who are local etc. Single friends have moved on to make other friends. But I feel like I am still in the past and clinging to them, fighting with them for their time, forcing myself into their life.  The recent experiences have proved it to me.  I have mad...