Confessions of a wandering mind

This week, I participated in Hackathon for the first time in Microsoft. Though it's been happening for past few years now, for some reason or another, I prioritized work over that. But this year, I decided to participate in a Hack for Good project which means, we are coming up with technical solutions to solve some of the problems face by non-profits. So basically doing something new, different, fun and exciting all at the same time, along with doing good and challenging yourself while doing so. I had picked this project called Agaram foundation which funds college education for the under-privileged in India. It is based on Chennai and started by a celebrity called Surya. They had 4 components, and 4 sub-groups were assigned to solve each of those. Knowledge sharing/searching for resources in their knowledge database, discussion forums, scanning application forms of students, and video translation. Out of all of them, the video translation part seemed like it would involve some c...

I had mentioned in my previous post about how I am left feeling like my friends have moved on but I have stayed stagnant these days. As I have been realizing more and more I have been trying to make new friends as well. But given that I am old, I am probably also getting cynical, so I have not managed to make any lasting friendships yet, and by lasting I mean not even for 6 months. It is not because of lack of trying but because people have become un-attached and un-emotional in this digital age. People go home, turn on TV, eat and/or drink and sleep. They don't need anyone else and they don't even have any space left for another person. I don't mean love in just romantic kind of love, but also general love and care for friends. In the recent times, I have tried hard to make friends with one person. I had met the guy through a friend late last year during Thanksgiving time, for matrimonial purposes really. We had a good conversation, and I was hopeful it was going so...

I am one of those emotional beings who still believes in friendships and travels hundreds of miles to go meet my friends. I am basically a sucker for friendships, go out of my way to please my friends, apologize too much, and feel too attached to friends. This picture poster is probably an apt one for me. I never had too many friends and the limited number of friends I have, I treasure them. I really believed in the fact that my close friends truly will make time for me, and care for me. But lately I am realizing that my friends have moved on. Married friends have kids now and they are either busy with their kids or friends who are in a similar social strata that they can relate to, like friends with kids, friends who are local etc. Single friends have moved on to make other friends. But I feel like I am still in the past and clinging to them, fighting with them for their time, forcing myself into their life.  The recent experiences have proved it to me.  I have mad...

I was told while growing up that being honest and straightforward is a great quality. But over time I realized it is not something everyone likes or prefers. The reason why I bring it up now is because a close friend of mine was visiting me over the weekend and brought it up. She mentioned, no one would want to be friends with me, because I am always straight forward and people don't like it. She became friends with me, after being my hostel mate for 4 years and actually getting to know me at a deeper level. Since then I have been thinking about it, and I agree she is right. I can't hide a thing even if I wanted. Even if I am quiet, my face will reveal it. So eventually I speak up. Over the years, I have become a silent listener than a talker, and in some ways it helped me I guess. Don't open my mouth and hence there are less problems right? I have reached a point where I do not really care if I have friends or not, as I am getting used to live my life alone without any f...

As I have become a loner over the years, I started analyzing people around me, their interactions with not just me but everyone else. The one thing I realized is that people do not even try to build any sort of relationship, whether it is just being an acquaintance or building friendships  or actually making it a long term relationship. The first interaction itself is about judging if they are going to get some benefit out of talking to me or not.  I usually am not that social, but if someone tries to talk to me, I make an effort to get to know them, be friends with them, without expecting anything back from them. Maybe that's not true. I at least hope that they reciprocate by saying hello or checking in on me once in a while, if not do something special for me. But nothing more than that. This is something new for me. When I talked to my therapist, I was discussing my interaction with someone and how it kinds affects me when I get ignored though there is no agreement of any...

Starting this blog based on my therapist's suggestion, and this topic felt relevant. I wanted to title it "Fear of Rejection" but I also wanted to start with a positive tone. How many times did you not try something because you are afraid of failing ? How many times did you try to please your family and friends, because you are afraid of losing them? How many times did you put up with people disrespecting you or not treating you right, at work or in some social circles because you are too afraid of making a bad impression on someone?  Then you know what I mean. Your brain is trained to always please people around you that you prioritize everyone else but yourself. You become critical of yourself when you fail to achieve that goal,  be hard on yourself and put yourself down. When I was a kid, I worked hard to always remain in that first rank, because it was important for my parents. When I came to Masters, I got a reality check, with selfishness and jealousies. In ...