Self-Acceptance
Starting this blog based on my therapist's suggestion, and this topic felt relevant. I wanted to title it "Fear of Rejection" but I also wanted to start with a positive tone.
How many times did you not try something because you are afraid of failing ? How many times did you try to please your family and friends, because you are afraid of losing them? How many times did you put up with people disrespecting you or not treating you right, at work or in some social circles because you are too afraid of making a bad impression on someone? Then you know what I mean. Your brain is trained to always please people around you that you prioritize everyone else but yourself. You become critical of yourself when you fail to achieve that goal, be hard on yourself and put yourself down.
When I was a kid, I worked hard to always remain in that first rank, because it was important for my parents. When I came to Masters, I got a reality check, with selfishness and jealousies. In almost every relationship, I find myself giving in, always giving preference to other person than myself. When I stand up for myself, I have seen people walk away like I didn't matter. Even at work, I try to be flexible and take on anything that is assigned to me, than actually demanding what I like to work on. Being in good terms with my manager and my team, is more important to me for some reason. When I realized I was not getting opportunities to grow, and voiced it, it backfired and my life was made difficult after that and I am still seeing after-effects.
I have always been the quiet one, who listens to everyone in a group of friends, do anything they want to do, ending in people taking me for granted. If I don't do what they prefer now, they look at me like something is wrong with me . I have put in my 100% in every relationship, including when I moved here, to make friends. I had a good circle going for 2-3 years and suddenly everyone got married and no one even says hi anymore. I meant nothing to any of them. I have some old friends nearby but none of them want to include me in their social gatherings or even for a coffee or something. Mind you, it's not because of lack of trying. I have asked multiple people, multiple times for coffee or walk, but no one responds. Now I am a loner, spending my weekends at home, not seeing a single face even on weekends. Some people are okay with it, but it troubles me.
Have you felt a connection with someone, opened yourself up to them, put in effort to knowing that person, thinking that other person was open to your friendship, but only to let them judge you, disrespect you or completely ignore you? Yes, that is me, I let people treat me like crap because I want to be accepted by everyone so badly. People have left me feeling like I am not even good enough to be friends. Don't we all feel the need to be accepted to some degree? I never realized that it is important to be accepted by own self too. Doing this again and again all my life has got me to a stage where I am left alone, and I don't even have myself as a friend, because I end up analyzing myself on what I did wrong all the time when someone makes me feel like I don't matter.
Now I want to slow down, and look at myself inward, and work on self-acceptance. At least I am doing this self-exploration now and figuring out what is stopping me from moving forward. I used to think earlier that something is wrong with me, that I am not good enough to be friends but I am slowly realizing that this is how the current generation is. People do not want to put in effort unless there is a personal benefit to them. But I still don't know how to change my personality to get over this and say "To hell with this. I am going to be myself no matter what and do what I like, not for anyone else".
How many times did you not try something because you are afraid of failing ? How many times did you try to please your family and friends, because you are afraid of losing them? How many times did you put up with people disrespecting you or not treating you right, at work or in some social circles because you are too afraid of making a bad impression on someone? Then you know what I mean. Your brain is trained to always please people around you that you prioritize everyone else but yourself. You become critical of yourself when you fail to achieve that goal, be hard on yourself and put yourself down.
When I was a kid, I worked hard to always remain in that first rank, because it was important for my parents. When I came to Masters, I got a reality check, with selfishness and jealousies. In almost every relationship, I find myself giving in, always giving preference to other person than myself. When I stand up for myself, I have seen people walk away like I didn't matter. Even at work, I try to be flexible and take on anything that is assigned to me, than actually demanding what I like to work on. Being in good terms with my manager and my team, is more important to me for some reason. When I realized I was not getting opportunities to grow, and voiced it, it backfired and my life was made difficult after that and I am still seeing after-effects.
I have always been the quiet one, who listens to everyone in a group of friends, do anything they want to do, ending in people taking me for granted. If I don't do what they prefer now, they look at me like something is wrong with me . I have put in my 100% in every relationship, including when I moved here, to make friends. I had a good circle going for 2-3 years and suddenly everyone got married and no one even says hi anymore. I meant nothing to any of them. I have some old friends nearby but none of them want to include me in their social gatherings or even for a coffee or something. Mind you, it's not because of lack of trying. I have asked multiple people, multiple times for coffee or walk, but no one responds. Now I am a loner, spending my weekends at home, not seeing a single face even on weekends. Some people are okay with it, but it troubles me.
Have you felt a connection with someone, opened yourself up to them, put in effort to knowing that person, thinking that other person was open to your friendship, but only to let them judge you, disrespect you or completely ignore you? Yes, that is me, I let people treat me like crap because I want to be accepted by everyone so badly. People have left me feeling like I am not even good enough to be friends. Don't we all feel the need to be accepted to some degree? I never realized that it is important to be accepted by own self too. Doing this again and again all my life has got me to a stage where I am left alone, and I don't even have myself as a friend, because I end up analyzing myself on what I did wrong all the time when someone makes me feel like I don't matter.
Now I want to slow down, and look at myself inward, and work on self-acceptance. At least I am doing this self-exploration now and figuring out what is stopping me from moving forward. I used to think earlier that something is wrong with me, that I am not good enough to be friends but I am slowly realizing that this is how the current generation is. People do not want to put in effort unless there is a personal benefit to them. But I still don't know how to change my personality to get over this and say "To hell with this. I am going to be myself no matter what and do what I like, not for anyone else".
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