August musings
August has been a popular month for me. It was the month I came to US 17 yrs ago, it is the month, I chose to move to Seattle and join MS and it is alo the month, I changed teams this year. So seems like somehow my birthday month manages to bring new changes in my life. As this month wraps up, I had a few lessons I learnt, some realizations, that I thought I would jot down.
First, I take myself too seriously and feel important. Think that I should matter to at least one person and that I should be important to people, if no one else to my family and friends. And if I dont get that, I just crash completely. This I saw it firsthand on my birthday when my parents didn't wish me and my friends didn't remember to wish me either. Of course, Facebook has plenty of people wishing because of reminders, but I feel they are out of habit that people wish. If someone really cares for you, they would pick up the phone and wish. Yes, it is sad, but it should not have caused a breakdown like it did. If I am in a happy place, maybe it won't matter that much. So I want to find my happy place.
Second, living in the false belief that I NEED TO do everything, even if others are not doing their part. Otherwise I feel like the world is falling apart and I have not done my job and I end up working late hours, stressing about every little thing. Letting go is something I want to work on. It's not the end of the world, everything still goes on the same, if I don't overwork myself and let things be, even if they are not going the way I want them to. My therapist asked me, what is the worst that will happen if you do what you signed up for and not take on others tasks also even if they are not doing it? I know nothing will happen, but I am the one who needs to be at peace with it.
Third, I realized the difference between I NEED TO vs I WANT TO. My therapist opened my eyes on this one. I tend to use a lot of "I need to" in my sentences. She asked me what are the things that bring you joy like a small kid's joy with no strings attached. Not the happiness that others want for me, but I feel happy doing it. Hiking was one of those activities. But now, I mentioned that also feel like a workout, no excitement, and I do these activities these days because I need to lose weight and so I need to force myself. She mentioned one thing. When I say I need to or I have to, it has a negative connotation to it, as if it is my responsibility. But if I say I want to, it means that I really want to do that for myself. We talked at length about laws of attraction and how I need to work on visualizing positive things so those can manifest in my life. As part of that, she mentioned I should do one small thing that will me happy that I can carry through the entire day and even next day and slowly build on it.
I had no clarity on what I want or what I am longing for in life, though I know I need a change, but dont know what. She made me write down from all that I said a few things that I am longing for. Companionship, caring and love, being important to someone were on top of the list. Now that was clear, next step was, who is my ideal guy? I have listed a few things as she worked on that exercise with me, but I also want to sit down and think of my ideal guy. I also want to think about what would be my ideal life, if I get a chance to re-write my journey and have fresh start. That is my homework for this weekend.
Overall, I feel like August brought in some hardcore realizations about myself.
First, I take myself too seriously and feel important. Think that I should matter to at least one person and that I should be important to people, if no one else to my family and friends. And if I dont get that, I just crash completely. This I saw it firsthand on my birthday when my parents didn't wish me and my friends didn't remember to wish me either. Of course, Facebook has plenty of people wishing because of reminders, but I feel they are out of habit that people wish. If someone really cares for you, they would pick up the phone and wish. Yes, it is sad, but it should not have caused a breakdown like it did. If I am in a happy place, maybe it won't matter that much. So I want to find my happy place.
Second, living in the false belief that I NEED TO do everything, even if others are not doing their part. Otherwise I feel like the world is falling apart and I have not done my job and I end up working late hours, stressing about every little thing. Letting go is something I want to work on. It's not the end of the world, everything still goes on the same, if I don't overwork myself and let things be, even if they are not going the way I want them to. My therapist asked me, what is the worst that will happen if you do what you signed up for and not take on others tasks also even if they are not doing it? I know nothing will happen, but I am the one who needs to be at peace with it.
Third, I realized the difference between I NEED TO vs I WANT TO. My therapist opened my eyes on this one. I tend to use a lot of "I need to" in my sentences. She asked me what are the things that bring you joy like a small kid's joy with no strings attached. Not the happiness that others want for me, but I feel happy doing it. Hiking was one of those activities. But now, I mentioned that also feel like a workout, no excitement, and I do these activities these days because I need to lose weight and so I need to force myself. She mentioned one thing. When I say I need to or I have to, it has a negative connotation to it, as if it is my responsibility. But if I say I want to, it means that I really want to do that for myself. We talked at length about laws of attraction and how I need to work on visualizing positive things so those can manifest in my life. As part of that, she mentioned I should do one small thing that will me happy that I can carry through the entire day and even next day and slowly build on it.
I had no clarity on what I want or what I am longing for in life, though I know I need a change, but dont know what. She made me write down from all that I said a few things that I am longing for. Companionship, caring and love, being important to someone were on top of the list. Now that was clear, next step was, who is my ideal guy? I have listed a few things as she worked on that exercise with me, but I also want to sit down and think of my ideal guy. I also want to think about what would be my ideal life, if I get a chance to re-write my journey and have fresh start. That is my homework for this weekend.
Overall, I feel like August brought in some hardcore realizations about myself.
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